Where We Eat and Sleep

It Will Probably Get Better

2009-12-28T08:35:00Z

My period is always a reminder of what I can never be. What genetic code or the advancement of science can never change.

Or wishes or ill placed prayers.

Perhaps I am just tormenting myself when I ponder how different life would be if I had been born correctly. How my dad could have taught me everything he wanted to teach my brother. Here I am, though, and the chance has been gone since I was conceived.

My mum finally accessed some transgendered information through a show today. She called me telling me how it reminded her of me, but she also wanted to confirm that she's supportive. My mum is probably one of the most supportive out there, but god, does it not hurt when she tells me every day how she'll never be able to acknowledge me as anything, but her daughter. How can I tell her how this hurts when I know, I know! that she is crying over this. That she's suffering over this.

Fuck, fuck. I hate this. This will be my rest of life. If I die and there's nothing this is all the chance I received and I lived it as a modern freak. Cause that's what I am.

I did always wanted to be special, didn't I? Didn't stupid little Alex have dreams of being special? Well there you go.

Oh, my dad. My dad will never understand. Look at all these photos of me. Always calling me mija. How will he be, when he has another failure child he can't understand?

I don't know what to do. I'm not a boy. I don't have any boy parts.

I'm weak. I'm so weak- look! Look, I'm crying! I'm crying all the time. I want to be a man, but I'm crying. Doesn't society tell me men don't cry? I'm having my period.

I wish I could just stab it out of me.

Nooooo!

2009-12-14T08:35:23Z

Yes.

Ah, to be young and still healthy

2009-12-02T05:00:06Z

Excitement and fear!

These are usually the base of my feelings. That is life!

Hurrah!

Everything isn't all secured yet, but I'm hard pressed to believe something is not going to happen. I may be accused of being a cynic, but in truth I'm wholly not. Really.

Oh, one day I'll climb the Appalachian Trail, make awesome movies, marry some awesome person who would be okay with having my kids, buy a house to house my whole family(dad west wing- mom on the right), go to live in England, write a novel, be in a band with pals, learn how to play every intrusment I can get my hands on, build a no-kill animal shelter, donate to billions of charities, adopt some kids, and then become a super hero. (If I have time, save the world)

Right now, though, I'm going to go to college... with my best pal(s?). I'll miss my family, especially since my sister has reassured me that she still cares about me. I'll miss some of the folks that are to be left back in Texas who I consider to be friends. I'll miss my cats. I'll miss having a ride for those cold nights. I'll miss the blanket that I could always fall on to if I ever had a misstep. I'll miss so many things...

But I'm so eager for this adventure, for this second chance at succeeding.

I'm Poor

2009-11-30T09:51:55Z

Not very poor, not very poor at all... but I do work at least two to three days a week and also participate in studies. It's not like I'm just finding piles of money. That would be cool, though.

None the less, I seem to find myself lacking in money quite quickly. Three hundred and fifty dollars are taken from my pay every month (loans). Two hundred goes towards groceries. A hundred for my credit card bill.

Then I lent some money to friends and family (250), and then I paid for all that MCAD stuff (I don't remember... I believe 300 or 350). That's it, a thousand gone.

When I'm in school, I'll defer the loans (the 350), stretch money for groceries farther (no longer buying for brother, sister, and cats), and really I don't have to pay one hundred for the card- fifteen is the minimum.

I'm still owed money from CEDRA, but I have to do one more blood collection. They had issues with my last blood draw.

Anyways, I'm just happy to be able to buy the gifts that I bought. I may dislike Christmas, but I do like the excuse to buy stuff for friends and family.

I just feel anxious when there's less than five hundred in my savings. Things seem to always pop around the corner, and I feel unprepared. When that CEDRA pay comes in, that will definitely go in my savings, and I really won't have any reason 'till school to touch it.

I was hoping to use the repay from mum and pal to buy a PS 3, but I'm not really expecting that to come any time soon. It's not that I think they are not going to pay me back, it's just that I understand if they are unable. I mean, they had to borrow the money.

Anyways, if they pay me back that will be cool, but if they are unable to that's okay. It's okay because they've been there for me where it counts and I expect them to be there still in the future.

Besides, I don't need a PS 3. I just want one so very badly. In my book, that's not a good enough reason.

Oh, how I enjoy playing video games... to play pretend... pretty obvious why I avoid playing girl characters in video games. Same reason why I pick the books I do.

When I get more comfortable maybe I'll get over it? I don't know. Maybe others are just always sad? Maybe you just have to get used to that feeling.

What a ramble of thoughts this post has become. By the by, if anyone is pondering what to get me in the far future of my birthday here are some clues:

The Beatles
MGMT
Flight of the Conchords
David Bowie
Doctor Who
Star Trek
Mighty Boosh
Star Wars
Booster Gold
Animal Man
Night Crawler
Cyclops
Bass
Guitar
Violin
Space
Physics
The Sixties
Cats
Henry David Thoreau
Albert Einstein
Devotchka
Any Film I ever said I liked i.e. Blade Runner, Train Spotting, Gattaca

I like posters, action figures or figurines, mugs, cups, magazines, books, drawings, etc. (and if money isn't tight I value DVDs, Vinyls, and CDs)

If you ever do get rich and want to buy me clothes. Shirts featuring one of those things I like or something regency or sixties styled(men of course, small). Coats, pants, shoes, dress shirts, hats, gloves etc.

A hand drawn comic of us on some adventure would be cool too.

If you rather gift food, no cakes or cup cakes. Cookies, candy, or fruits are appreciated. Food that will last a couple of days... as I typically forget about it, that's why no cakes or cupcakes. I'm prone to tossing out food in less than a week, I just have this normal phobia of eating old food.

So years to come, just come by here and review, otherwise you face me hating you forever and ever and ever.

Nah, I kid.

Really.

Oh you've got green eyes/ Oh, you've got blue eyes/ Oh, you've got grey eyes

2009-11-26T17:29:59Z

How are you doing?

I'm doing fine. Going to just send off that transfer portfolio today even if I only have one syllabus. Well, at least I will have half the credits of a year done with, if I do get the expected six credits. With the already accepted ones that would be twelve altogether. Then I add the 2D AP credits that will be fifteen credits, which equals five classes. Five classes equal half a year, or one semester, I believe. Hopefully the credits transfer.

If they don't, well... that sucks, but oh well.

Also, Supernatural is the awesome. I wish I had gone on watching it from all those years ago, but I was pretty confuzzled about the schedule back then on whatever channel seven was at the time. WB? CW? I don't recall.

It such a delicious show. Ah. I really enjoy the whole of it, character depth, brotherly love, creepy stories, and the comic relief is a great welcome when most sci-fi fantasy shows are as dark as a lone man sailing down the river of the dead in search of the meaning of life.

Which we all know he isn't going to find! Am I right? Or am I right?

Aha... sorry. Good day! Good eats!

P.S. I miss my friends!

captaincatch @ 2009-11-25T17:47:00

2009-11-25T23:51:23Z

Guys! I was in horrible pain the whole of yesterday and today.

Fucking constipation. I know why too. First of all, iron pills. Iron pills make you constipated. My medicine is suppose to help me on that front, but iron pills can keep them from working. My mum doesn't believe me, so she always insists I take them, especially when I'm in a study.

Second, I haven't been able to eat properly due to work. Not eating properly can give you constipation. Makes it all dry and such. Disgusting, eh?

Finally, I'm stressed. I can tell because my teeth hurt. They always hurt when I start to become stressed. (I grind in my sleep.) Stress as well equals constipation.

Fuck, it was horrible. Nothing was coming out. I couldn't sleep because it hurt to do anything, but most of all it hurt to even attempt to use the toilet. I was in a constant feeling of needing to go, so I woke up every half hour to try. My mum gave me a whole bottle of mineral water, and nothing happened.

Ended up going to the doctor. They gave me medicine for hemorrhoids and some stool softener stuff. Finally about an hour ago I went and though the pain is still somewhat there, I feel tons better.

The whole time I was unable to eat or drink anything. For the first time in a long time I actually vomited. Pretty horrible. Three times in a row. Yuck. Now that I'm better, I have to at least drink water or risk dehydration and getting constipated again.

Sorry for the disgusting details, but man it was horrible.

Still waiting on one of my teachers to send me his syllabus and finally I have a memory card for the camera to take pictures of my stuff. I wonder what people without cameras are supposed to do, though.

captaincatch @ 2009-11-24T12:25:00

2009-11-24T18:25:20Z

Fucking A!

captaincatch @ 2009-11-19T17:15:00

2009-11-19T23:15:20Z

If you do it 21 days or earlier ahead of the scheduled date the price for a bus ticket to Minneapolis, Minnesota is 80$. So... that's not bad at all.

I'm afraid of the days to come. I work five days this week, forty-eight hours is the number estimation for the amount that I will be worked. Hm, and no shift with dear friend Freya. Those ass hats.

The transfer portfolio is a big deal to worry about. Called SCAD, was sent to five different phones, and ended up on an answering machine informing me to send all my requests to an e-mail. Curse you SCAD and your fiendish ways.

At least I'm still able to write and paint. That helps.

----------------
Now playing: Passion Pit - Moth's Wings
http://foxytunes.com/artist/passion+pit/track/moths+wings

The Brain! The Brain!

2009-11-13T17:39:23Z

Argh, at least I know six out of twenty-one credits transfer, but my studio credits are still unaccounted for. I wonder if I'm calling the right people at SCAD?

I wish I at least could contact my old professors... even if I never had much a relationship with them. I think I have several of my Drawing 1 pieces, but... I don't know if they're great enough for a transfer of credits.

Ho hum, gotta try anyways.

(By the way, I'm not terribly worried about this mess, but I would feel dumb not at least attempting to keep all those SCAD credits from going to waste.)

Damn

2009-11-09T20:12:40Z

I don't have much of my old work from SCAD. I cleared a lot out when I was looking for stuff to place in the portfolio. I may have thrown away all of my old syllabus as well. I definitely don't have any of my films from my film classes. The only stuff I still have from the film classes are my screenplays from my screenwriting class.

Damn it.

I definitely tossed all of my Color Theory crap.

Damn it, if I only had known.

I Promise

2009-11-06T04:31:42Z

One day I'll save everyone.

captaincatch @ 2009-11-05T07:36:00

2009-11-05T13:36:57Z

oh, I'm home again.

captaincatch @ 2009-11-04T14:00:00

2009-11-04T19:08:05Z

It's been riding my thoughts since day one, the same day I had to go to the study.

Who can I tell? Who can I tell who will not judge my unfortunate brother? My once grand hero? Oh, Joey, oh my one and only brother, what is it that you will do now?

Oh world, just watch him when I'm gone, please. Please, take care of him till I can come back and care for them all.

My head hurts, and it's hard to let my eyes lose the tears that I had up into now used to pity myself. I can only wonder if my brother releases on to me only because he's too drunk to care or because he has no one else to tell.

Oh Joey, what horrors my brother has seen.

Why? Why?

Fucking selfish world, what will become of us all?

Look at me, look at me, look at me (etc.)

2009-11-01T07:29:37Z

"Hey Alex, why haven't you taken your medicine this week?"
I don't know
"Man, you're stupid."
Yes, this is a wise assumption upon my intelligence you've made sir.

It's easy to say I stopped taking them due to the fact I had hit an all time low around last Sunday, but I can also assume I was throwing a fit. Not going out of my way to not take my medicine, but kind of purposefully forgetting. This disease is pretty unnoticeable until the late stages, so all I'm doing is making only my life more difficult.

I'm telling you guys this, so you can be aware of my foolishness, and if I ever do anything even more foolish that ends with me not being here no more, please, please, please, tell my loved ones that... uh, I don't know, there's really nothing you could say that they wouldn't have assumed on their own already. We could also blame it on this laziness I've been accused of having.

When I realised earlier today that I've been avoiding my pills, I- like one who prods a scab as a special badge- toyed with the idea of just never taking my medicine ever again. Why? Why?

I don't know, reasons come and go as fast as I go through my moods. I can already feel my thyroid, though, and um... if it got into that full enlarged stage, that would be terribly uncomfortable.

As I am in the right of mind now, I will take that tiny pill. Just one pill.

There are people out there who have to take more than twenty! Amazing. They probably would trade all that just for my one measly pill.

I really don't know what to make of these selfish ways. I can supply all the material goods to causes, family, and friends, but before I can fully shed the thin, but tough skin of greed I have to first work upon my own personal thoughts.

Just telling you, if I suddenly snap at you for no reason, sorry! Rest assured, it will torment me all for the rest of the day.

This place is my confession booth, but at the same time I think the priest is quietly judging me.

----------------
Now playing: Passion Pit - Sleepyhead
via FoxyTunes

captaincatch @ 2009-10-29T22:22:00

2009-10-30T03:25:46Z

Hey, hey family?

Money is blah, but time means so much.

Hey? Hey, I can't tell you to your face.

I feel like I'm the last thought.... I feel unappreciated.

That's why, but I can't tell you.

Just let me be quietly sad right now, tomorrow it'll be buried and I'll again wear that necessary smile.

Cheers.

Bleep Bloop

2009-10-28T06:47:09Z

I'm feeling ten times better today.

Now that I think of it, I could have a cold. People always get colds without fevers. Well, I'm all good now, just a chest that feels odd (to much coughing?) and a small cough.

Been watching the news, but during commercial breaks I've been running over here watching old TAM videos. Future house and Internet Time Traveler are the top two on my favorites list.

I hear Rachel, got to go! Bye-eeeah!

Moan, moan, moan

2009-10-27T04:38:35Z

So didn't really have the free day I thought I was going to finally have after several months of waiting. My brother came over in the morning, my mom stayed home, and my allergies are just keeping me from doing much besides sleeping.

My dad gave me a ride in the morning to CEDRA as my mum went to a concert the night before and slept in. My allergies are pretty terrible right now, but since I have no fever no one really cares, except my dad who offered to buy me some soup. Which was nice, as we have absolutely no groceries in this house. (BAD for my brother, who is actually staying the night)

I'm grateful for Freya feeding me yesterday. Black bean soup at Panera's, vegetarian and low fat. Awesome!

My mum kept waking me up to do all these errands. I guess she's kind of worried cause she keeps commanding me to take these natural cough drops, but then she keeps sending me outside to chase the cat and I'm not really wearing the warmest clothes here.

I had a dream my friends were at my house, Justin, Andrea, Chris, Freya, and Dags and we were all trying to practice on the drums in the garage. Justin was doing really well, but I pushed him off the stool cause I wanted to show how great I was, but I couldn't remember any songs to play or how to even read the music.

If I wasn't so out of breath all the time and tired I could at least practice my bass. I'm not going even attempt my mouth organ as if I am truly sick I don't want to leave germs lurking in the reeds.

Yuck, constantly stuffed nose, itchy and clogged ears, constantly itchy and scratchy throat, and a mix of sneezing and coughing. I hate allergies. I get like this every year. Bleh. The fatigue is also part of allergies, but it's not bad as my throat. I hate having a scratchy throat. I can't even sing.

I've been feeling like this since Saturday, but Saturday also had nausea as one of my symptoms which worried me as my sister was just sick the day before. If I get sick I can't be in the study. All those days would be for nothing. No fever, though, so I don't think I have to worry.

I also hope if I am sick I haven't spread my germs to Freya. We saw Vampire Assistant and Good Hair yesterday, and I was coughing and sneezing every once and a while.

Concerning the Phenomenom of Living and Other Crap

2009-10-23T06:00:34Z

In Cedra I always have the weirdest dreams. They always lose substance after I wake up, though. As the hours grow longer the dreams themselves become thinner and thinner till all I can recall is the shudder I had upon waking up.

Most of the time they're nightmares with no true ground. They're never too terrifying, just odd, embarrassing, and frustrating. They involve losing my sister, my cats, my family somehow, or they involve me trying to escape from some meat hungry monster, or every once in a while my inability to become a man, but at least once a stay, held within the thin white brown stained hospital blankets of the facility, I will receive a nightmare that escalates or transforms my disease to a place where I am helpless- unable to breath, speak, or move.

I guess, I'm limited to only my fears when visited by the sandman of Cedra.

At least I never dream about death, though I don't think there's anything involving that fear that could be truly replicated in this sleeping mind.

Now I go back to doodling insanity.

On a side note, what's a good title for a comic about a city holding the criminally insane? I'm bound to come up with something, but possibly whatever you guys can come up with would be better.

Speaking of stories that never go anywhere, there's this horror fantasy story I've been trying to do. It first started off as a short story and a college guy main character. Then it became a screenplay. Went back to narrative now involving a middle aged man with a brother in the mountains. Slowly became a comic as I came up with monsters, and then yesterday went back to a narrative.

I surprisingly went far with it, father than the scifi story that's been stuck on my mum's laptop. She keeps that thing at work, but I'm sure there's a way I could get to that story. Anyways, I went pretty far in the horror fantasy story. The two brothers started fleshing out. The older brother by one year is thirty-six and a writer, though his second novel didn't do as well as his first. He's been having a tough couple of months and left his apartment to his ex boyfriend to take a break at his brother's house, which is nestled up in the mountain area.

His brother has two young kids, a girl(7) and a boy(5). The two brother's were close when they were young, but when the main character left for college he was truly out of touch (not including weddings and some family holidays) for about fourteen years. Two years before the story took place, an incident occured and Noah (main character) took a brotherly step and reconnected with his little brother.

Well, from all that I guess it's pretty hard... or maybe if you know me well enough you'll know where this is going. Where does this horror fantasy come up? Well, I do have this obsession with death.

Besides all that, what I'm trying to get to is that I was speeding through this story. Knocking out page after page when suddenly my pen stopped and I started to tear up. I was bringing these characters into existence, giving them jokes, giving them life problems, giving them love and family dependencies, when I realised where this story was meant to go. I already knew what suffering was going to occur in this story, and I had to stop writing.

I'll get back to it eventually, but the fact that I was heading to a place where my pen mostly avoided had me disturbed and depressed. They're just made up characters, but I think they hit too close to home.

This is probably all confusing. I'm trying to avoid plot points and twists... if I ever finish this story I hope you guys enjoy it and understand what I was trying to discuss all those years ago.

Would finding a big gaping black hole in the middle of the forest scare anyone?

Oh me, oh my.

2009-10-20T23:42:25Z

I shouldn't reaffirm me belief in the stupidity of this world based on what I encounter in this study, but... here I am doing just the very thing.

Who am I to talk, though? Even though I'm not totally dependent on my medicine yet, I'm still taking a risk here.

Really too- not to worry anyone or stupidly look for pity, but... my limbs have been feeling really weak lately. I'm due for a check up. I wouldn't really be able to push anyone or open any jars right now. These things are suppose to happen randomly, though, so tomorrow I could totally be fine.

They upped the money just over three thousand... so at least I'm not selling my beliefs and life points for meager pickings... I think.

Yeah, everyone here is dumb.

Of Course the CD is needed!!

2009-10-15T06:30:23Z

Friends sing together, la, la, la, la
Friends do things together, la, la, la, la
Friends laugh together, ha, ha, ha, ha
Friends make graphs together, la, la, la, la

Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on your face

Friends are the ones on whom you can depend
He's my friend, he's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there in the end
He's my friend, they're not my friends

If you trip over I'll catch you fall
If you kick my dick I won't break your balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely

If you cross the road and a truck struck you
I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if your depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge your death

Friends walk together, la, la, la, la
Pop and lock together, zhu, zu, zee zhu
Me and him together, la, la, la, la
Me and Jim forever

Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay it back
Friends do not let friends do crack
Friends go out and grab a snack

Friends drink beer in the sun
And like girlfriends that don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when your fly's undone
Murry your fly's undone

My uncle John had a special friend
They dressed alike his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They were very, very friendly men

La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends
La, la, la, la, ping

--Flight of the Conchords

Whoo!

2009-10-08T12:40:22Z

Back home, though I have outpatients till Thursday, and then I go back in Monday through Thursday the week after next.

Good news, Freya and I got into MCAD, now we must amass the funds necessary, which I'm not to worried about. The whole SCAD mishap occurred because I had not used Sallie Mae before, and so didn't request the appropriate funds. Now I know, and with what I suspect is my good credit it won't be to hard to get the loans.

Gonna use the 200 of the two thousand nine hundred to get winter clothes. May need a bit more than that but I really want to save this money. I'm just gonna buy a thicker coat and perhaps some sweaters, or something. I'll wait till I get there before buying any other apparel. My mum did already get me those winter boots, which are vegan! Awesome? Some may think so. My mum is quite kind, even if she gets mad at me for reasons unknown. I love her.

So, though I keep having dreams about committing suicide, things seem pretty nice right now.

Hurrah!

Please, please, please, please.

2009-10-02T08:05:22Z

I can't sleep, just got a jolt of excitement and eagerness. Been feeling like this progressively throughout the week, and yet I'm still feeling fatigue. Lame.

Come on Alex, you don't need to worry!

Oh man, I want to get into MCAD so terribly much! The thing is I don't remember being this excited about SCAD. In fact, the opposite, I was full of apprehension and constant uneasiness. Throughout the whole process I avoided telling anyone of these feelings for fear of what they might have mean. Also, I was being pretty selfish and wanted my friends around.

I was pretty unhappy with that place. I have my reasons. Some have heard an earful of it.

Anyways, I keep on looking up random facts and rereading rules, housing information, general facts, and other random stuff.

Been working on a journal comic, but my scanner doesn't work, and I've filed away my first strips, but I don't know where. I have too much stuff! When I've gathered all my completed strips I should go find a scanner and put them up on my site.

I haven't yet thought of a way to organise the site though. The colors will probably be around the sky blue spectrum, or jade area.

Should I put the strip on a separate web comic site? I have unlimited space, but with my limited HTML a comic hosting site may help in the organisation. Hmmm.

It would be cool if Dags went to MCAD with Freya and I, but as long as she does what is right I'll... still miss her terribly, but that's just something I'll have to get through.

Also, I keep hearing stuff in the backyard. I'm kind of frozen to this chair from fear as the window blinds are all pulled up.

captaincatch @ 2009-09-26T03:25:00

2009-09-26T08:28:01Z

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fuck.

Fucking people, fucking everything.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm going to bed.

Why the fuck am I still awake? Fuck.

By the way, fuck that guy. Not literally though... that's just to scary.

captaincatch @ 2009-09-25T22:24:00

2009-09-26T03:28:06Z

I feel so sad, but there's not just one root answer to this sagging willow.

I just don't know... maybe I also feel angry.

It's overwhelming now that I've cleared my MCAD duties away.

This feeling.

This stagnant existence.

But sagging willow made me giggle.

Doing fine.

2009-09-21T23:46:34Z

Just got my awesome recommendation letter and I went to Lee earlier to get my transcript sent off again.

Now all I need to do is continue to bother SCAD.

Everything seems to be going smoothly. Wonderful.

----------------
Now playing: The Beatles - Polythene Pam
via FoxyTunes